The Five Finger Salute

7 Jan

The thing about a detox is your body has to detox. But leave it to us to be bitchslapped by those infernal toxins. Never even had the exit strategy in mind. But exit it has. The usual way (of course) and I actually won’t go into detail on that for once. And then there have been the headaches (which we don’t think are even from caffeine absence because we don’t drink that much coffee — just a latte a day or less) and the body aches. Even today, on day five, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and knocked in the head with a sledgehammer. Yea. Fun stuff.

Remember: This is happening to people who have eaten slow, farm fresh, organic, grass-fed, free range, and pesticide/chemical/additive/preservative/processed free (more or less) for almost 15 years. (Feel free to add in any other foodie buzz words I forgot.)

Miss-miss (from henceforth to be called The Teen Queen) said, “I thought this was supposed to make us feel better.” Patience, grasshopper.

And then bean, who has been playing the butt flute with gusto since this started (oh, hello fiber) says, “Ahhhh. So much better.” That kid never would have made it as a debutante.

So distracted we’ve been by the side effects and general malaise, that we haven’t missed the eliminated foods much. It wasn’t until yesterday that I had the thought of blue cheese. And it coated my every thought for four solid hours. I could’ve eaten my own hand if it had blue cheese on it.

The saving grace of this experience is it isn’t detox via starvation. I’m not one to go ‘round hungry.  So when dinner time came and the hubby cooked up this deliciousness (see photo) with a fresh salad and oven sweet potato fries, I was a happy camper once again.

Turkey burgers with scallions, mushrooms, fresh ginger, parsley, and lime sauteed in coconut oil.

Turkey burgers with scallions, mushrooms, fresh ginger, parsley, and lime sauteed in coconut oil.

We also realized that once we started up the exercise piece, we definitely felt better. Sweatin’ out the oldies works. Hell, I might even put on a sweatband if it will stop my head from pounding. (Jesus, Mary, Joseph, I must be one TOXIC SOB.)

Yesterday was by far my hardest day so far. There was this internal dialogue I had with myself that went something like this:

Just eat a damn steak with blue cheese. What’s the big deal? It’s protein too! And who cares if you have some red wine? It has ANTIOXIDANTS in it! And what are you planning to do after this whole debacle, huh? Are you really going to feast on the bulk bins forever, sister? Let’s be realistic. The minute this shit is over, you are going for a loaded baked potato with a side of L’Explorateur and an Asher Green Bullet (or whatever the hubby has on tap).

And so my thoughts derailed to:

I’m never giving up dairy. That’s bullshit. So why not just eat some yogurt or a little blue cheese on your salad to make this a real party?

The good news is, my thoughts ended with this:

You’ll NEVER EVER change your wicked ways if you don’t do this for the whole THIRTY DAYS, you wretched wench. So stop sobbing and pull it together!

Sweating out the oldies. (Piggly Wiggly Hat. Check.)

Sweating out the oldies.

And so the night ended with a cup of detox tea and a new board on Pinterest. Chock full of bulk bin and produce aisle recipes that I can actually get my taste buds whipped up about. The hubby does make a mean ass turkey burger too.

TODAY’S THEME SONG: Strut on a line, it’s discord and rhyme. I’m on the hunt, I’m after you. Mouth is alive with juices like wine. Hungry Like the Wolf. Duran Duran.


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