>All over yer face, kid.

21 Apr

>Without warning your life goes from cancer [insert dark cloud and boom of thunder that follows you everywhere] to you’re done!!! [insert people looking for all that sparkly sunshine that’s supposed to be poking through them thar clouds] But there really haven’t been any moments of screaming from the rooftops. No moments of intense jubilation. No shoulders suddenly removed from ears moments of oh, that’s where they go.

And this was puzzling me. Where were the hallelujahs and praise Jesuses? Or even the champagne fountain complete with fireworks that shoot out of everyone’s ASSES at the push of a button? No where. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.

And then it hit me. Like a shot of sun reflection to the eye from a shiny bumper in a summer parking lot. CANCER IS NOT OVER. IT WILL NEVER, EVER BE OVER.

Ah-ha moment complete, the hubby and I had a chat. And the truth of it is that no matter how many times we assure people that, “Yes, he’s better! Yes, he’s all done with treatment! Yes, we are so relieved to be on this side!” We are a couple of fucking liars.

We smile and nod and say all of the right things. Because, really, even your closest friends DO NOT want to hear what you’re really thinking. And that is something like this:

“WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I’M PISSED! WHERE THE EFF DID THE LAST YEAR OF MY LIFE GO?!”

and

“CANCER ISN’T SOMETHING YOU ARE JUST FUCKING DONE WITH! YOU AREN’T EVER DONE UNTIL IT’S DONE WITH YOU! AND EVEN THEN, IT’S NEVER DONE WITH YOU. YOU ARE FOREVER SOMEONE WHO HAD CANCER AND WONDERS IF OR WHEN YOU’LL BE CATAPULTED BACKWARDS INTO ALL OF THAT SHIT AGAIN!!!”

So now that I got that off my chest, I’m concentrating on removing my shoulders from my ears and remembering what it feels like to fully inhale and exhale like you have all of the time in the world.

We took some time after the last treatment to try to get life back on track. I was immediately bombarded with all those “YAYS YOU’RE BACKS! Now you can finally get my shit DONES!” We got pummeled and batted around like a trapped fly with medical reports (see my last post). Got the pump out and did a couple of fist pumps for that. The hubby headed back to Cali for some overdue work meetings.

Then it was off to Florida for the much-anticipated and much-needed vacation. After about a million ideas including everything from Fiji (my all-time ultimate dream vaca, just in case you’re really rich and want to sponsor us) to Turks & Caicos (running a very close second), we landed in Tampa with a small thud, but very thankful for the amazing generosity of friends who loaned us their posh condo in a four-star resort.

It’s funny how we were so GOING BIG and then sat there two nights after the port was out and said, “We’re tired.” We suddenly had no steam to fuel the energy needed to update passports, book places abroad and fly for hours. No. We just needed some warmth and a pool. And the Brents were at the ready.

Turns out it was just what the doctor ordered. The pool was perfect and staffed. The beaches were an easy day trip away. And we even decided last minute to surprise the girls with a day trip to the Magic Kingdom on a rainy day. It wasn’t until they spied the big ears that they had a clue and it was priceless. We slogged around my formerly most hated place in the universe and joined in with their joy immediately. We laughed all day because we were soaked to our unders and wearing Disney ponchos no less. At one point, I ran into one of the many stores to grab said ponchos and when the hubby called to find me, I explained, “I think I’ve landed in the place were the princesses go to vomit.”

We truly had a GREAT day. Embraced it fully and didn’t let the constant drenching downpour and closed rides due to lightning dampen our enthusiasm. “I JUST FINISHED CANCER TREATMENT AND I’M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!”

Uh. No. But I’m so riding Dumbo again the next time I go…

So since we landed back in reality post vacation, we’ve been in the throes of kitchen remodel. We have to fully move out this weekend. And then there was the downed apple tree from—er—MAY 2010 to contend with. And a garden to plant. And soccer games to attend. And science projects to complete. And birthdays to celebrate. And new clients to pitch. And annual meetings to plan.

And. Well. Before you know it, you’re back ensconced. Forever changed and liver enzymes all wack from too much wine. But.

I may never take a fully deep breath again. An so what if my shoulders reach for the sky. My nearest and dearest is here and alive and sassy enough to tell me to take a chill pill. So that’s all I need. (I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray… And this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need… )

TODAY’S THEME SONG: These Days. Black Keys. My hand to God
I didn’t mean to. After all. Look what we’ve been through.

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