>Anchors Aweigh

9 Jul

>Well the insanity that I call my life just reached a fever pitch. It does that occasionally. I like to call it the anchor syndrome. Just as I seem to be reaching a pleasant level of lightness and ‘okay, I can DO this!’ – someone or something drops an anchor over the side and the boat lurches. Heavy.

A week ago Wednesday, the shroud of mystery surrounding the parental strife was abruptly ripped off — revealing what most would have suspected but hoped against hope it wasn’t. I mean, how damn cliché to reach 55 and start riding a Harley and a harlot. At a certain point I would have staked my life against it. But luckily I didn’t. Because I’d be dead and I really like living. And I like to think that my girls like having me around. At least most days.

So there I was, feeling the carnal pull that can only be rooted in family ties. Those ties that bind — sometimes a little too tight? Well this time it was choking me and, until I booked that flight, I seriously couldn’t breathe. Once it was booked and the plan was to get back there as fast as possible, I suddenly couldn’t breathe again. Hmm.

Time for some serious introspection: I was pissed. Remember how insane my life has been and never seems to NOT be? Well, less than a week before this crazy-phase-two hit, I was moments away from hopping a plane to Vegas. Remember that? Yea. That. So although I was furious at this man for treating mom like he had for the last year. And scared sh**less by what mom would do about it. I was equally inflamed by the timing. Big work stuff. Big life stuff. Now BIG family stuff. Of course I knew that he didn’t plan to have the discovery made just as I was hitting turbo-overdrive-mode. In fact, I am pretty sure that he didn’t time it to happen at all based on how well the evidence was hidden. But it was just damned inconvenient. And mom was losing it.

I told the b-partner, “I don’t have time for a family crisis!” She gave me the, “Mm-hmm. I hear ya, sister.” Because not too many months back she didn’t have time for her father to die. It’s the Cat’s in the Cradle in reverse.

So I bailed. Ouch. But I did. I finally owned up to the world what you’ve all known all along…I’M A SELFISH HEARTLESS BITCH. Okay, not really. But it did feel that way at the time. I just couldn’t fix it this time. It would have to wait for a couple weeks when we would be there anyway. I was already well into the tying up loose ends phase that you get in when trying leave town for a couple of weeks. To suddenly leave town with all of those plates twirling in the air…

And the b-partner just took off on an extended camping car trip across the west. That leaves me.

Now here’s the clincher: When I thought I was leaving pronto, I moved all of my current work files to my trusty, well-loved iBook (circa 2003). It sighed a bit on import. But it’s seen worse. Then it just up and went. Just as I was pushing myself too far, it appears that Daisy was feeling much the same way. (Yes, I did name it. And yes, I know that’s freaky.) She didn’t die completely, but it was just enough to send me into panic realizing I could be in my hometown (no Apple Store in the entire state!), breaking my neck to keep up with deadlines while working remotely and sifting through the remnants of my family — and POW! — no laptop. I’d be 100% screwed. So I spent the entire day on Saturday checking, rechecking and checking again that I was absolutely, positively sure that Daisy was a goner. I conferred with Brother Brownnose (he’s a Mac Sys/Network Admin.) I made a call to the b-partner (we are tight on funds, but she agreed this was a necessity.) By 4pm, I was on my way to the new Twenty Ninth Street Apple Store. Within an hour, I was the proud owner of a beautiful MacBook Pro. It’s a thing of beauty. And her name is Flory. I thought I would choose a name that honors my hometown because if I hadn’t been about to fly back there so suddenly, none of this would have happened. ☺

On an up note, Miss 6 is thrilled. She spent the day on the PBS Kids website courtesy of Daisy. (Old D’s good for wireless web and that’s about it.) “It can do so much more stuff, Mommy. And that old computer you probably got when they first made computers.” The old computer that became hers at Christmas is actually a MAC RUBY from 2000. You know. Like when there where dinosaurs.

But let me talk for a minute about my broken heart. (Cue violins, please.) There’s this man who stepped in and took over where my father left off. There’s this man who stepped in and took over where my mother left off. And there’s this man who jumped on his Harley and left it all in the dust. Including granddaughters who idolize him. As we choke on that big dust cloud, we have to keep reminding ourselves that this will become history one day. We may have to forget it ever happened and go back to being one big, happy, dysfunctional, f***ed up, see-you-at-Christmas family. Or we may never forget and just lose all that too-good-to-be-true part forever.

TODAY’S THEME SONG: Star Mile. Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk. …You had and lost the one thing. You kept in a safe place. Remember the face. The girl who had made you her home. And how you left her alone.


One Response to “>Anchors Aweigh”

  1. Bubble Girl July 13, 2007 at 12:49 pm #

    >Sorry I haven’t read this till now. Beautifully said and written.


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